Who am I

Who am I?
I am the steady hands steering my ship to where I know I need to go,
Yet, I am a million wandering souls.

Mitch Albom was one of the best sports journalists around and working more than twelve hour shifts when he received news that Morrie Schwartz, the dearest professor he met in university years ago, was dying. The verse above describe what he felt- aware of his ambitions, yet unsure of his real purpose in life when he received the news.

In his best-seller, Tuesdays with Morrie, Mitch recounts the time spent with Morrie, and how he embarks on a journey of self-discovery. He re-discovers his role as a student, patiently listening to Morrie’s lessons on life. He finds the courage to re-assume the role of a brother to an estranged sibling. He re-learns how to be a child again, with the child-like capacity to love freely.

And yet, at the end of the book, when Morrie passes away, we sense that Mitch has not really discovered who he is. However, he has regained a sense of direction that he did not possess before Morrie’s illness.

I was reminded of Mitch Albom’s story during the mid-term retreat, especially because as an SMU student, I find myself in similar circumstances. Like Mitch, we work more than half our days away. Some of us know where we want to go, and some of us are unsure of ourselves. Or maybe we think we know what we should do, without knowing that we are still confused. And this happens to us all, especially when we forget God’s place in our lives.

During the retreat, it would be a stretch to say I found myself and God. The sessions, such as the Enneagram, helped me learn more about myself and God. When Jarvis, an external speaker, touched on the topic “Who is God?”, I reflected on my relationship with God. Who do I see Him as? What are the spiritual anchors that God has given me to tide me through trying times? Jarvis himself had wonderful experiences with God, which made me search myself for the times God had been there, but I had been too careless to notice.

As a young Catholic, my identity with the faith can get pretty shaky, especially when I realised that I did not have spiritual anchors like my friends. I was lost, unsure and questioning my identity as a Christian.

This brings me back to my analogy of Mitch’s story. Mitch found a saving grace in his life-Morrie. Morrie was someone that Mitch relied on for help and advice. Unlike him, I did not have a Morrie, someone who would teach me how to live my life.

But this isn’t true, because I do have a Morrie; in fact Morrie exists for every one of us. He is God. He can teach us who we are, and he comes into our lives at the right times and places. I was not a Christian once, but now I am, because, I guess, He simply knows when to come.

In the quiet time that I spent with Jesus during the retreat, I can’t say that I managed to find myself. Perhaps we see ourselves acting as different roles; a friend, a daughter, or a student. But now I do go around with this awareness of self-discovery, and for the search of His calling.