fair

i could use some of that long island tea he tried to force on me that day. welcome to life, babe, even though i am tired, and angry, and betrayed, and trying very hard to be magnanimous. the nights sitting in front of the flickering screen, trying to find the right words to say for you. the visions and breathless dreaming, the captivating sound of applause.

and all that fails me now. the amibitions i had, the smiles of an expectant child.

because.

now all i know are the tears on my pillow, that hesitant phone call, the fake smile that i will begin to use on a regular basis from today. the forced laughter for the ears and eyes of uncaring personnel.

and i hope my unshed tears burn into your soul, for the regret that i will always have. and until i learn how to smile like a real person again, please put up with me.

this mannequin, who has learnt how to lie and act and pretend, and who will need some time to unlearn it all.

in the meantime, just put me in the audience, away from the centrestage i yearn to belong. for the winners need their applause, don't they?